refusing

I absolutely refuse to do the paper I have to do. 

It's the LAST thing keeping me from finishing this semester to move on to the next... and yet...

I JUST CAN'T DO IT. 

HALP. SOMEONE. HAAAALLLPPPP me.

No motivation. 

I just had a staring contest with my dog, it's that bad.

via

I just need to get this done so I can veg out on the couch and watch Parks and Rec for the next two weeks until the real hell of my school schedule starts (AKA SUMMER SEMESTER).

Until then....

busy is just a state of mind... or is it?

via

So.... what's up? What's the 'haps with everyone these days?? I feel like I have been WAY busy. I mean, I haven't even really used the internet for personal use... on a COMPUTER, instead of my phone, for MONTHS. 

I plan to get back on here eventually to explain the saga that WAS my quitting my job and what IS my new amazing job that God made for me! And how things just fell in my lap. but, alas, it is almost 11:30, and my bed time is usually like 9 so... that is for another day. 

Just checking in, saying I AM ALIVE and I am hoping you are too :) I really need to stop glorifying being busy. But, with masters classes starting, homework and LOADS of reading to do for class, and starting a new job and, oh, trying to still have a meaningful marriage and friendships, I have been pretty busy. 

Until later.

Have a great week!!

I DON'T CARE, IT'S FRIDAY!

So.... yeah. That sums up how I am feeling today.

How about you?!

Also-- I put in my month's notice at work yesterday. NO BIG DEAL. 

God is good :)  HAPPY WEEKEND!

FRIDAY FRIDAY FRIDAY FRIDAY

Okay, listen.
This week? It's been horrible. And I don't mean, ohhhhh woe is me horrible. I mean, I have literally wanted to up and quit work. I have grabbed my things to walk out the door and never come back. I have screamed in the phone at Aaron while I express how upset I am (and he quietly listens, knowing I need the support). I have cried more than I can count, and I had a mental breakdown last night because I couldn't get my running shoes off... I mean, COME ON.

So, alas, IT IS FRIDAY! and I cannot be more excited. How about you!?

This weekend we are leaving for VA Beach. We are going to visit Aaron's family there. We are SO so so excited. The thought of getting away seems amazing. And to a beach? FORGETABOUTIT! We didn't think we would get to see the beach this year, so we are so grateful for his aunt for taking us in and letting us relax with them :)

Also: God is great. Seriously, great. I won't even DELVE into what was yesterday, but it was just the cherry on a hell-filled week over here. So, I really really REALLY needed there to be no emails filling up my inbox when I got back this morning. And guess what?! There were only a few, and they were all manageable! So, now I can get back to the people who have been waiting to hear from me and set things up for me to leave tonight and know I did everything to prepare to be gone ( I am a control freak).

I am so happy.

Happy Friday :)

sometimes.

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sometimes you sit around and it seems like the world is passing you by.
sometimes it seems like everyone is living their life and you are stuck on pause, or even rewind. Or, worse yet, STOP.
sometimes you want to scream at the top of your lungs, but you know that nobody would hear you or care.
sometimes you feel lost at sea, and you're on land, in an office.
sometimes you think that you are all alone, and most days, you feel it.

Sometimes.

other times you try to muster the words to say how you feel, but you come up short.
you try to capture what your heart is feeling, and words don't do it justice.

sometimes everyone seems to not hear what you are saying when you talk, and it beats you down.
sometimes there is a dark cloud that seems to be looming over you, even when the sun is shinning down.
sometimes you feel like you made a big mistake, and you don't know how to change it or if you ever could. you wish you could go back in time and never take that leap and stay content, knowing you had it good then.

isn't it funny, the good ole days don't always seem like the good ole days until you are out of them and over the hill looking down on them.

life's just like that.

most times you walk around and nobody knows that darkness around you is there. nobody knows that what they are really seeing is a mask.

most times that mask you wear is good at hiding the sadness, the hurt, the betrayal you feel, the utter life in shambles. and, sometimes, you start thinking the mask is the real you.

and then there are those times that you can't help but let it all out. you can't help by cry at your desk because you feel as though you are completely unnoticed, underappreciated and lost.

you dream up moving far away and what all that would encompass.

you talk about how you are really feeling and then slowly realize that people don't want to hear that. people want to hear you are "fine" or "okay", worse yet "great!"... even when you aren't.

the truth scares people. the truth that you are struggling and hurting and feeling smothered by yourself is hard for others to take. so, you sit there, silently, screaming inside of your head for someone to notice. for someone to just listen and not expect anything back from you in return.

you long for that day where you won't feel that way anymore.

until then, you wait. you wait silently, and pretend this is just a phase, or a season of life.

what does that even mean? As far as I knew there were four seasons. it seems like I have gone through about 97 in my lifetime, and I am not yet 25. who knew 24 was so tough? not me. who knew you wouldn't feel adequate in so many levels? who knew all of those levels were even there?

not me.


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food baby

WHEW! it seems like time is flying by.

It also seems like I have nothing interesting to say. Honestly? You don't want to know the things I have been thinking lately. It's been a rough few months... actually, it seems like it has been a rough year.

Transition is hard. It's hard at the beginning, middle AND end. It just is. No rhyme or reason. So, that sucks.

Here are some other things that have been going on. Not sure they are noteworthy, just want to be able to look back and see if things have changed, which I am hoping they do.

+ lately I have been learning the value of friendship, even friendship of one or two people. I am realizing that having MORE friends isn't worth it. I am also learning that when people have life changing things happen, they show their true colors and concerns. I am grateful for the two good friends I do have. Working on not dwelling on the ones who don't really care...

+ Still having a hard time that we don't have our own house. Our apartment is nice, and I have been working to make it and KEEP it cozy. This basically means I threw some stuff on the walls and actually clean it :)

+ Oh, speaking of which? I guess I have been doing better at cooking meals. So, that's nice.

+ Oh yeaaaah, I GOT INTO MY MASTERS PROGRAM! I am beyond excited!!! In fact, I just registered for my Fall semester this evening :) :) :) :) Woooo!! (remind me I was this excited when it gets really tough in about September/November....)

+ I look like I am pregnant, but, friends, I am not. It's just a food baby. But seriously, I'm not.

+ Aaron and I have been obsessively watching Dexter like it's our JOB. I never ever ever thought I would get into this show... but I do. The only downfall is I say EFF a lot more because Deb just cusses up a storm and that's her favorite word... It's bad how things rub off on me sometimes. :/

+ My friend, Lacey, told me about this "Peaks, Pits, Praises, Prayers" thing... I didn't know where she found it, so I googled it. It came up to a post on Pinterest. I bought a fresh journal last night and started my first day. I actually saw a few of my prayers semi answered today... it's just so nice being able to see it in writing and to be able to go back and see where God had provided.

+ Uh, I have tons of gray hair. I finally caved and dyed it myself last night. I actually love how it turned out. John Frieda for the win.

+ Aaron and I took our youth on a mission trip Thursday through Saturday night. Not too long because we had to use vacation days and don't have many, but it was still worth it. Our youth already have pretty rough lives, so for them to experience the rough lives of others, I think it hit them that they are not alone AND that they don't even have it as bad as others. We also go to treat them to good food and Cedar Point... they loved it! I think that honestly, that may one of the best experience our kids in youth have experienced.. and may ever. Which makes me sad, but I am glad we were able to be apart of that.

+ I have been pretty anxious about some things. Work, school and work balancing... everything. Sometimes I think I take on more than I should. It's all becoming way too much. :/ But, I am hoping that things start looking up soon. I am trying to work on focusing on God and on school coming up. It's just hard.

Well, that's it folks. Nothing too exciting... until next time!

DERECHO and why I won't have kids...for a while.

So. 

Last night we had some pretty bad storms. Honestly, I didn't believe they would come. I have been deceived by the weather people before. But... I gave them the benefit of the doubt. EVEN THOUGH the radar at 2:30 was clear and looked like nothing was coming for a long time.

Boy.. was I wrong. 

During the day it began to get muggy.. I mean... bring a piece of paper outside and within seconds it's dripping wet and limp. (that's what she said. ((I CAN'T STOP. I miss Michael Scott.))) The humidity built all evening. Which, I am going to be honest here, sucked. Aaron is a youth pastor. Some our youth have pretty rough home lives. The mother of two of our youths is near being evicted from her trailer... she may potentially have her little girls taken from her.. it's a mess. So, our church is going to potentially help her out for work from her around the church etc. 

ANYWAYS, that is beside the point. The whole reason I bring this up is that we go to her house after youth group last night, leaving us not getting home until nearly 10pm.. youth group ends around 8/8:30pm. So.. we go there, there's a bunch of drama in the trailer park about random stuff. I kid you not, three various "fights" were going on while we were there. I sat in the car with my window open as the mugginess WEIGHED on me. I am talking, weighing on your chest as if an elephant just stepped on it WEIGHT on your chest. So, I could definitely tell something was going to come.. and probably won't be very fun.

As we got home, we turned on the tv:

That is what was in  Indiana headed our way. My in-laws already had a tornado warning and we called them and told them to get in the basement. I basically yelled DON'T BE A HERO at my FIL, and that was that. 

Aaron went to bed and I was glued to the TV. Something you should know: when I was younger and it would storm, I would get a big dufflebag together of things for if a tornado came and wiped everything away. Things the bag included consisted of socks, underwear, a couple pairs of clothes, tennis shoes, jackets, same stuff for my grandma (I lived with her) and MY BACKPACK. Why on God's green earth I would save my backpack is beyond me, but seriously... I DID, YOU GUYS. 

Also also- I am from Nevada. There are NO tornados in Nevada. If it rains, it POURS and you have tons of flash flooding/floods and it's a HUGE lightning and thunder fest, but nothing close to a tornado. When we moved to Ohio as I entered 3rd grade, it was one of the worst thunderstorm summers my part of Ohio had had in a while (so everyone says). There would be sirens going off at night and we lived in an upstairs apartment on the edge of a building with no real shelter... I would hold my arms out and scream for my grandma to come get me. 

Listen, I watched a lot of Twister when I was younger. It was a bit tramatizing when you have never actually SEEN one or ever heard a tornado siren before. 

I am convinced tornado sirens are the things horror movie soundtracks are MADE OF.

But, I digress.

look at what is coming!

There I was last night.. GLUED to the TV. I eventually went into bed around 11 (that's so late for me you guys) and stayed on my phone for another hour. I honestly SHOULD have gone to bed earlier but I didn't know what the night would hold.... (dramatic foreshadowing....). 

CLAP!!!!  huge clap of thunder comes and Pumpkin is FREAKING OUT. she is running all over our bed. Jumping OFF of the bed... and mind you, Aaron is ASLEEP for this entire thing. The man can sleep through anything. (lucky...)

I will save you the details, just know, this went on for about an hour and a half. Then.... 

Peace.

Fooorrrr about, oh, 15 minutes? 20? I DON'T FREAKING KNOW. but it wasn't long enough because....

CLAP! CLAP CLAPPPPPPPP!! more thunder. I jump. Pumpkin jumps. Aaron slightly snores... still.  

Annnnd this goes on for about an hour.  and then....

you guessed it.. PEACE. This time for maybe 20 minutes.

I get on my phone because APPARENTLY I am not going to get any sleep and I wanted to see how many more storms were coming our way....

 

Yes. that time stamp up there DOES say 3:32 AM. 

Looks like a lovely hurricane over Ohio. WONDERFUL. We are just south of Columbus, so we had even more storms coming our way.

 

 annnd here is another one just for good measure to see it regionally. :/

LONG STORY SHORT: I got oh, 2.5 good hours of sleep last night? 

But, I am very grateful for some things: 

1) Our power never went out. It would have been a terrible HOT mess if it had. 

2) I am also glad the power didn't go out because if it had, I had already made it known throughout internet-land I would be eating all the ice cream I bought yesterday so it wouldn't go to waste. Now I can savor those babies...

 

3) I am grateful for the bags I DID pack for Aaron and myself for just in case because, seriously, if it would have been bad, we would have had socks and clothes :) 

In all seriousness though... I am very grateful nothing terrible happened here. I haven't yet been able to see the damage in other places, but I am just grateful. 

However, right now, I am not very happy. The sun was semi-shinning like an hour ago, and now it is this outside: 

meh.

So, now you know why I won't have kids for a while. 

Oh, also? I have already blasted this on my instagram, so if you follow me, SORRY. But I need helps:

'

Are these "too much" glasses for my face? Some people said yes, others said no. I just don't want to look like a clown playing dress up.

HAVE A GREAT DAY. I am going to go down my mountain dew to stay awake.