refusing

I absolutely refuse to do the paper I have to do. 

It's the LAST thing keeping me from finishing this semester to move on to the next... and yet...

I JUST CAN'T DO IT. 

HALP. SOMEONE. HAAAALLLPPPP me.

No motivation. 

I just had a staring contest with my dog, it's that bad.

via

I just need to get this done so I can veg out on the couch and watch Parks and Rec for the next two weeks until the real hell of my school schedule starts (AKA SUMMER SEMESTER).

Until then....

busy is just a state of mind... or is it?

via

So.... what's up? What's the 'haps with everyone these days?? I feel like I have been WAY busy. I mean, I haven't even really used the internet for personal use... on a COMPUTER, instead of my phone, for MONTHS. 

I plan to get back on here eventually to explain the saga that WAS my quitting my job and what IS my new amazing job that God made for me! And how things just fell in my lap. but, alas, it is almost 11:30, and my bed time is usually like 9 so... that is for another day. 

Just checking in, saying I AM ALIVE and I am hoping you are too :) I really need to stop glorifying being busy. But, with masters classes starting, homework and LOADS of reading to do for class, and starting a new job and, oh, trying to still have a meaningful marriage and friendships, I have been pretty busy. 

Until later.

Have a great week!!

I DON'T CARE, IT'S FRIDAY!

So.... yeah. That sums up how I am feeling today.

How about you?!

Also-- I put in my month's notice at work yesterday. NO BIG DEAL. 

God is good :)  HAPPY WEEKEND!

FRIDAY FRIDAY FRIDAY FRIDAY

Okay, listen.
This week? It's been horrible. And I don't mean, ohhhhh woe is me horrible. I mean, I have literally wanted to up and quit work. I have grabbed my things to walk out the door and never come back. I have screamed in the phone at Aaron while I express how upset I am (and he quietly listens, knowing I need the support). I have cried more than I can count, and I had a mental breakdown last night because I couldn't get my running shoes off... I mean, COME ON.

So, alas, IT IS FRIDAY! and I cannot be more excited. How about you!?

This weekend we are leaving for VA Beach. We are going to visit Aaron's family there. We are SO so so excited. The thought of getting away seems amazing. And to a beach? FORGETABOUTIT! We didn't think we would get to see the beach this year, so we are so grateful for his aunt for taking us in and letting us relax with them :)

Also: God is great. Seriously, great. I won't even DELVE into what was yesterday, but it was just the cherry on a hell-filled week over here. So, I really really REALLY needed there to be no emails filling up my inbox when I got back this morning. And guess what?! There were only a few, and they were all manageable! So, now I can get back to the people who have been waiting to hear from me and set things up for me to leave tonight and know I did everything to prepare to be gone ( I am a control freak).

I am so happy.

Happy Friday :)

sometimes.

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

sometimes you sit around and it seems like the world is passing you by.
sometimes it seems like everyone is living their life and you are stuck on pause, or even rewind. Or, worse yet, STOP.
sometimes you want to scream at the top of your lungs, but you know that nobody would hear you or care.
sometimes you feel lost at sea, and you're on land, in an office.
sometimes you think that you are all alone, and most days, you feel it.

Sometimes.

other times you try to muster the words to say how you feel, but you come up short.
you try to capture what your heart is feeling, and words don't do it justice.

sometimes everyone seems to not hear what you are saying when you talk, and it beats you down.
sometimes there is a dark cloud that seems to be looming over you, even when the sun is shinning down.
sometimes you feel like you made a big mistake, and you don't know how to change it or if you ever could. you wish you could go back in time and never take that leap and stay content, knowing you had it good then.

isn't it funny, the good ole days don't always seem like the good ole days until you are out of them and over the hill looking down on them.

life's just like that.

most times you walk around and nobody knows that darkness around you is there. nobody knows that what they are really seeing is a mask.

most times that mask you wear is good at hiding the sadness, the hurt, the betrayal you feel, the utter life in shambles. and, sometimes, you start thinking the mask is the real you.

and then there are those times that you can't help but let it all out. you can't help by cry at your desk because you feel as though you are completely unnoticed, underappreciated and lost.

you dream up moving far away and what all that would encompass.

you talk about how you are really feeling and then slowly realize that people don't want to hear that. people want to hear you are "fine" or "okay", worse yet "great!"... even when you aren't.

the truth scares people. the truth that you are struggling and hurting and feeling smothered by yourself is hard for others to take. so, you sit there, silently, screaming inside of your head for someone to notice. for someone to just listen and not expect anything back from you in return.

you long for that day where you won't feel that way anymore.

until then, you wait. you wait silently, and pretend this is just a phase, or a season of life.

what does that even mean? As far as I knew there were four seasons. it seems like I have gone through about 97 in my lifetime, and I am not yet 25. who knew 24 was so tough? not me. who knew you wouldn't feel adequate in so many levels? who knew all of those levels were even there?

not me.


++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

food baby

WHEW! it seems like time is flying by.

It also seems like I have nothing interesting to say. Honestly? You don't want to know the things I have been thinking lately. It's been a rough few months... actually, it seems like it has been a rough year.

Transition is hard. It's hard at the beginning, middle AND end. It just is. No rhyme or reason. So, that sucks.

Here are some other things that have been going on. Not sure they are noteworthy, just want to be able to look back and see if things have changed, which I am hoping they do.

+ lately I have been learning the value of friendship, even friendship of one or two people. I am realizing that having MORE friends isn't worth it. I am also learning that when people have life changing things happen, they show their true colors and concerns. I am grateful for the two good friends I do have. Working on not dwelling on the ones who don't really care...

+ Still having a hard time that we don't have our own house. Our apartment is nice, and I have been working to make it and KEEP it cozy. This basically means I threw some stuff on the walls and actually clean it :)

+ Oh, speaking of which? I guess I have been doing better at cooking meals. So, that's nice.

+ Oh yeaaaah, I GOT INTO MY MASTERS PROGRAM! I am beyond excited!!! In fact, I just registered for my Fall semester this evening :) :) :) :) Woooo!! (remind me I was this excited when it gets really tough in about September/November....)

+ I look like I am pregnant, but, friends, I am not. It's just a food baby. But seriously, I'm not.

+ Aaron and I have been obsessively watching Dexter like it's our JOB. I never ever ever thought I would get into this show... but I do. The only downfall is I say EFF a lot more because Deb just cusses up a storm and that's her favorite word... It's bad how things rub off on me sometimes. :/

+ My friend, Lacey, told me about this "Peaks, Pits, Praises, Prayers" thing... I didn't know where she found it, so I googled it. It came up to a post on Pinterest. I bought a fresh journal last night and started my first day. I actually saw a few of my prayers semi answered today... it's just so nice being able to see it in writing and to be able to go back and see where God had provided.

+ Uh, I have tons of gray hair. I finally caved and dyed it myself last night. I actually love how it turned out. John Frieda for the win.

+ Aaron and I took our youth on a mission trip Thursday through Saturday night. Not too long because we had to use vacation days and don't have many, but it was still worth it. Our youth already have pretty rough lives, so for them to experience the rough lives of others, I think it hit them that they are not alone AND that they don't even have it as bad as others. We also go to treat them to good food and Cedar Point... they loved it! I think that honestly, that may one of the best experience our kids in youth have experienced.. and may ever. Which makes me sad, but I am glad we were able to be apart of that.

+ I have been pretty anxious about some things. Work, school and work balancing... everything. Sometimes I think I take on more than I should. It's all becoming way too much. :/ But, I am hoping that things start looking up soon. I am trying to work on focusing on God and on school coming up. It's just hard.

Well, that's it folks. Nothing too exciting... until next time!

DERECHO and why I won't have kids...for a while.

So. 

Last night we had some pretty bad storms. Honestly, I didn't believe they would come. I have been deceived by the weather people before. But... I gave them the benefit of the doubt. EVEN THOUGH the radar at 2:30 was clear and looked like nothing was coming for a long time.

Boy.. was I wrong. 

During the day it began to get muggy.. I mean... bring a piece of paper outside and within seconds it's dripping wet and limp. (that's what she said. ((I CAN'T STOP. I miss Michael Scott.))) The humidity built all evening. Which, I am going to be honest here, sucked. Aaron is a youth pastor. Some our youth have pretty rough home lives. The mother of two of our youths is near being evicted from her trailer... she may potentially have her little girls taken from her.. it's a mess. So, our church is going to potentially help her out for work from her around the church etc. 

ANYWAYS, that is beside the point. The whole reason I bring this up is that we go to her house after youth group last night, leaving us not getting home until nearly 10pm.. youth group ends around 8/8:30pm. So.. we go there, there's a bunch of drama in the trailer park about random stuff. I kid you not, three various "fights" were going on while we were there. I sat in the car with my window open as the mugginess WEIGHED on me. I am talking, weighing on your chest as if an elephant just stepped on it WEIGHT on your chest. So, I could definitely tell something was going to come.. and probably won't be very fun.

As we got home, we turned on the tv:

That is what was in  Indiana headed our way. My in-laws already had a tornado warning and we called them and told them to get in the basement. I basically yelled DON'T BE A HERO at my FIL, and that was that. 

Aaron went to bed and I was glued to the TV. Something you should know: when I was younger and it would storm, I would get a big dufflebag together of things for if a tornado came and wiped everything away. Things the bag included consisted of socks, underwear, a couple pairs of clothes, tennis shoes, jackets, same stuff for my grandma (I lived with her) and MY BACKPACK. Why on God's green earth I would save my backpack is beyond me, but seriously... I DID, YOU GUYS. 

Also also- I am from Nevada. There are NO tornados in Nevada. If it rains, it POURS and you have tons of flash flooding/floods and it's a HUGE lightning and thunder fest, but nothing close to a tornado. When we moved to Ohio as I entered 3rd grade, it was one of the worst thunderstorm summers my part of Ohio had had in a while (so everyone says). There would be sirens going off at night and we lived in an upstairs apartment on the edge of a building with no real shelter... I would hold my arms out and scream for my grandma to come get me. 

Listen, I watched a lot of Twister when I was younger. It was a bit tramatizing when you have never actually SEEN one or ever heard a tornado siren before. 

I am convinced tornado sirens are the things horror movie soundtracks are MADE OF.

But, I digress.

look at what is coming!

There I was last night.. GLUED to the TV. I eventually went into bed around 11 (that's so late for me you guys) and stayed on my phone for another hour. I honestly SHOULD have gone to bed earlier but I didn't know what the night would hold.... (dramatic foreshadowing....). 

CLAP!!!!  huge clap of thunder comes and Pumpkin is FREAKING OUT. she is running all over our bed. Jumping OFF of the bed... and mind you, Aaron is ASLEEP for this entire thing. The man can sleep through anything. (lucky...)

I will save you the details, just know, this went on for about an hour and a half. Then.... 

Peace.

Fooorrrr about, oh, 15 minutes? 20? I DON'T FREAKING KNOW. but it wasn't long enough because....

CLAP! CLAP CLAPPPPPPPP!! more thunder. I jump. Pumpkin jumps. Aaron slightly snores... still.  

Annnnd this goes on for about an hour.  and then....

you guessed it.. PEACE. This time for maybe 20 minutes.

I get on my phone because APPARENTLY I am not going to get any sleep and I wanted to see how many more storms were coming our way....

 

Yes. that time stamp up there DOES say 3:32 AM. 

Looks like a lovely hurricane over Ohio. WONDERFUL. We are just south of Columbus, so we had even more storms coming our way.

 

 annnd here is another one just for good measure to see it regionally. :/

LONG STORY SHORT: I got oh, 2.5 good hours of sleep last night? 

But, I am very grateful for some things: 

1) Our power never went out. It would have been a terrible HOT mess if it had. 

2) I am also glad the power didn't go out because if it had, I had already made it known throughout internet-land I would be eating all the ice cream I bought yesterday so it wouldn't go to waste. Now I can savor those babies...

 

3) I am grateful for the bags I DID pack for Aaron and myself for just in case because, seriously, if it would have been bad, we would have had socks and clothes :) 

In all seriousness though... I am very grateful nothing terrible happened here. I haven't yet been able to see the damage in other places, but I am just grateful. 

However, right now, I am not very happy. The sun was semi-shinning like an hour ago, and now it is this outside: 

meh.

So, now you know why I won't have kids for a while. 

Oh, also? I have already blasted this on my instagram, so if you follow me, SORRY. But I need helps:

'

Are these "too much" glasses for my face? Some people said yes, others said no. I just don't want to look like a clown playing dress up.

HAVE A GREAT DAY. I am going to go down my mountain dew to stay awake.

it's friday WHAT WHAT!

 

oh heyyyyyyy!

 It's been a while.

Sorry about that. 

Let's pretend you are joining me on a 15 minute break, shall we? 

If you were here you would see my new office in my new job I have had since February. You would also see that I have rearranged it (that is if you were here before I rearranged it). I have a lamp to my left and turn off the florescent lights. It's magical. Well, as magical as it can be if you are in an office all day. 

I have a window to my left as well. A FLIPPING WINDOW. See? told you... M A G I C. 

I have Wicked playing right now... oh wait, it is changing to "King of Anything" by Sara Bareilles. Fun little diddy.

So, listen. IT'S FRIDAY! And I am pumped. Not that I have a relaxing weekend planned, by any means. It just means that I don't HAVE to be in an office all day this weekend. WOOT WOOT. What do you have planned this weekend? 

Me?

Oh, well, our youth group is taking a mission trip at the end of this month and we are having a sale at the church this weekend. All proceeds go to the youth. Actually, the entire town that the church is in has these annual yard sales. So, that's what I will be doing all day Saturday. But, it should be nice out. So, that's nice :) 

Hope you have something nice planned this weekend!

Oh, what else have I been up to? Well, honestly.. not too much but a lot at the same time. I am adjusting rather well to my new job. To be honest, I was growing to really hate it. The people who call in are pretty rude sometimes and I took it personal a lot. 

What do I do? 

Funny you ask! I guess I never really explained it all... I am now an Academic Advisor for a university. It's for the adult program. So, I work for mainly adult students, but there are some youngin's in there that chose not to go the traditional route. This job pretty much seems like I work at a health insurance company and deal solely with people who HATE me. HA. You think I'm kidding. But, some days, it's nice. I have to be honest. I am really starting to get the hang of things and multitasking is a BIT better. But, it's still hard in this job. I currently work with 400 adult students. So, at any given time, ANY of them can call and or email OR come into my office to meet with me. It's insane.

BUT, honestly. It has been so much better in the last month. 

I have also interviewed for my master's program I want to get in. {!!!!!!!!!!}  I don't know if I am in yet. And I hesitated to even put anything on the internet about it because it I didn't get in I would be super sad AND embarrassed. But, hey, gotta take some chances, right? The program I want to get into is School Counseling. I really love the idea of doing it and I think it's something I was made to do. so, let's hope the school thinks so too! If I get in, then my work load will need to change a bit, but maybe that would be for the best. Currently, as it stands, I do too much and I don't think I can really balance master courses AND this job AND life AND everything. 

So, let's keep our fingers crossed that all falls into place :)

Hope you have been doing well! Feel free to tell me how you are :) 

Oh, I have also been seeing that seriously every one of my friends except one of my closests ones and myself get pregnant, have a child, or have multiple children. 

Is life just LIKE THIS when you get older? It's crazy. I have tons of gray hair and now I have to deal with this?!

WHAT GIVES. 

Have a great Friday :)

friday's letters

Dear Kayla - I am so incredibly proud of you. The little lady you brought into this world is beautiful. cannot wait to see the little girl she will become

Dear Friday - we are for real BEST FRIENDS. I am so excited you have finally arrived!! :)

Dear Aaron - I miss you! I feel like we are both so busy lately that it's a "hi" and "bye" mixed with sleep and smiling and saying I love you. I cannot wait for us to spend time together this weekend.

Dear work - I am really glad you are slow these past few days. I was about to have another quarter-life crisis

Dear mountain dew - I thought I kicked you.. but, alas, here we are again. I've missed you, but I don't miss the way you make my stomach feel. Ugh!

Dear self - good for you for getting yourself out there and being proactive and taking chances. I am proud of you!

Dear lunch break - hurry yourself up, puhhlease.

Dear bed - cannot wait to see you tonight :) I am so exhausted already.

those days.. a rambling of sorts.

you know those days? Those days.

Ugh, they are the worst.
I feel like I have been having "one of those days" for a few weeks.
I can't pinpoint what causes this, or what I can do to help it... I just know...
I am having them.

Last week was a string of  "those days". Each day had something worse than the day before it. Or it just sort of piled on top of it and just made for a worse day each day. Either way, it was a little miserable. I didn't have to go through any deaths or anything horrific, per say. It was just one thing after another.

This Monday was the build-up of that entire week. It was one of those days where you go to type and do some work and each letter you type is the wrong letter, and when you go back to try to fix it, you almost keep typing the same letter as before until you begin banging on each individual key on the keyboard as you type before you think about throwing your computer against the wall in your office and quit.

Monday was horrible. No doubt about it.

Yesterday wasn't too bad, but it wasn't too good either. I did enjoy time with a friend and that made yesterday turn out okay.

Today hasn't been particularly bad. But it hasn't been particularly great either.
It's pouring outside. I am blessed to be inside, in shelter, away from the blistering cold of the rain drops that are pouring themselves all over the place.
I have my heater on under my desk and I am content with that.

But then... then something comes in and tries to steal that "contentment" (if you can even call it that). Whether it's work piling up, or having an error you made out of ignorance in the issue sort of blow up in your face and leaving you feeling completely underqualified and as if you SHOULD just up and quit and leave and never come back.

That's where I'm at right now. I have decided to take a short break, and that is nice. But, I need to go out into the world. I need to take my dog out in that pouring rain. I need to move and be and DO. But, I don't want to.

I simply want to go home. I want to sit at home in the comfort of my sweatpants and my husband's sweatshirt I wear every day after work. I want to just sit and BE. But.. I can't. 


and that? That sort of sucks.

But, I will try to remember: I am blessed. I have a job. I have a car. I have friends. I have a husband. I have a home. Maybe all of these things (other than my husband! haha) aren't exactly what I want.. but they are something that many don't have and would die for.

so, yes. I have been having those days piled upon more of those days.. but I am blessed.

Trying to soak that in.

HOME

                                                                                              Source: brightnest.com via Joanna on Pinterest

Well, SURPRISE!!

Aaron and I didn't get either house we had an offer on.

See, both were "short sales". I didn't know they were going into putting a offer on either of them, but alas.... they both were. Basically, I don't understand all of the details but, I know it takes FOREVER. We put in an offer on the first house and it took a month and a half to hear back from the bank (which owned the house). ugh. And the second house didn't take as long, but roughly 3 weeks to a month.

The suckiest part of it all is... I think deep down, I really thought ONE of them had to work out. I mean, come on. The odds had to be in our favor, right? How many houses have we put an offer in on and another buying outbid us, or an owner was a grotchety grouch and wouldn't go below asking price? WE HAD TO GET ONE OF THEM.

But, here I sit, telling you... we didn't get either of them.

I was pretty upset at first. I went to my realtor.com app on my phone and looked at house (like I do all day every day....) and I saw BOTH houses weren't considered "active" anymore. So... I got really anxious and sweaty and upset. Then, I had an AMAZING night's rest. It was the strangest thing.

Aaron talked to our realtor the next afternoon and I tried to prepare my heart and acknowledge God's blessing for us in allowing us to live at our current apartment for as long as we wanted for our dirt cheap price of rent... but, it didn't work. I was angry.

Then, Aaron told me our realtor didn't even KNOW someone else got the bid. That makes no sense to me... So I became angrier by the minute. I was angry at the other realtors who never told our realtor that we didn't get the bid. I was angry at myself for allowing my hopes to get up for the billionth time. I was angry at both of us that we didn't just pull our offers out in the first place to avoid the angst we now felt.

AND THEN... there are these other houses around here that are cute charmers and have great potential, so I stalk them like a crazy person for the last 3 days. Driving by them, looking at them endlessly on my app.. and then. I just felt like I needed to stop. I had to sit there and assess the situation. I HAD to talk to Aaron about it.

So, we came to a decision.... God provides for us ALWAYS. He is Jehovah Jireh. He gave a chance to live in our current apartment for longer. Whereas it isn't ideal... it's something. And, seriously... it means I can have HUGE, REAL Christmas trees at Christmas still. And, maybe walking up those stairs day in and day out will give me some much needed exercise for a little longer.

Also? I am totally going to be painting more in that place. Maybe that will help :)

Happy Friday!

the way things play out

                                                                                    Source: laceninja.tumblr.com via Joanna on Pinterest

This weekend was INSANE.

and by insane I mean....
Aaron and I, 18 teens, ALL NIGHT, no sleep, locked INSIDE, ALL NIGHT.

We had a youth overnight with our youth group that Aaron is the youth pastor of. WHEW! I tell you what, I am definitely feeling O L D. but, more on that later....


So, also on Friday, Aaron called the co-executor of our landlord's estate. He asked when they would be appraising Mr. Will's (our landlord who passed away) house because we knew they wanted us out by then... The CO-ex. said that they actually already had it appraised and that they already had someone put in an offer. A CASH OFFER. FOR $137,000. IN CASH. what the heck.

He also said that the people who put in the offer were okay with us being in our apartment and that they were in no rush to kick us out.

SWEET. This means we don't need to be out by the end of April.. BUT, in our minds, if they took over the house, it was "their rules" now and we are pretty sure they would charge WAAAYYY more than we are currently paying for rent.

so, that ISN'T so sweet, but still SWEEEEET.

Well..... yesterday, Aaron went to drop off the rent. On his way back he was stopped by our neighbors. By the way, our neighbors... sort of crazy? We have the Catholic church to our right, and these other crazies to our left. They have two CRAZY dogs that bark like crazy and.. it's just C R A Z Y. Anyhow, Aaron was stopped by them and they were asking how our house-hunting was going. Aaron responded with what has been going on... YADA YADA YADA.

All to say, OUR CRAZY NEIGHBORS ARE THE ONES WHO PUT THE CASH OFFER FOR THE FULL APPRAISAL OF OUR LANDLORD'S HOUSE.

what in the world.

also? They said we can stay as long as we need... forever even. Aaron asked how much they would charge for rent then... they said, NOTHING WOULD CHANGE. We would still be paying our price we pay now.

how awesome. SERIOUSLY. how AWESOME!!

so, if neither of the two houses we have offers on come through.... we have somewhere to stay.

and that, my friends, is how God answers prayer.

on good intentions and motivation

via


Good intentions. Seriously, I have them! I really do.

But, lesbihonest... if given the choice between a pizza and netflix night, and running.. I would choose the former.

also? When the choice of "my bed" is put up against... well, any other choice, I will always choose MY BED. We got a good thing going, people.

So... that's where all of my good intentions go. To bed, with me.. when I sleep, happy.

Basically, I am lacking motivation. I have a pinterest board that is supposed to be there to inspire me and give me really awesome workouts that will change my liiiifeeeeee..... but, I don't look at them. OR! I look at them while I am stuffing my face with chocolate.

Do any of you have any advice for me? I have great intentions to get up in the morning and DO something other than get ready for work, but.. alas, my bed always always ALWAYS wins.

as it is

                                                                                           Source: tunewiki.com via Joanna on Pinterest

**above: Aaron and I got to go to this lovely church on Sunday instead of the usual church the in-laws go to. I LOVED IT! I craved the worship there like nothing other. It was amazing. They song the song above. AH! So good!!


 

Got this lovely idea from Miss Julie over at An Anchor for The Soul. 

 
Enjoying: THE WEATHER :) It has been so lovely seeing the SUN out. Thing I have not been enjoying? I am sick.. have been since Friday (when I had a DAY off!!!) 


Praying about: Hmm.. prayer. I have been praying a LOT about a LOT of things. Things for my closest friends, to our house situation, to my family and things of that sort. I have also REALLY been praying for God to transform my perspective and be with me all day long at work, guiding every step.


Snacking on: at this moment? A Sunbelt Bakery Oats & Honey granola bar, and coffee :) 

 
Debating: I have been debating whether I should pack a lot more, or if I should just leave it until we HAVE to move. It's hard to decide when you don't even know where you will be going. 


Reading: For months I have been reading Ellen's book, "Seriously... I'm kidding". I wish I had more time to read, or rather, that I made more time to read. I have also been debating weather I should start "Redeeming Love" by Francine Rivers again. OH SUCH A GREAT BOOK!
 
Grateful for: I am so grateful for a job! At first it was hard adjusting to a new job: all the newness of new coworkers, new responsibility, new people to work for... all of it. And I wasn't being too grateful the whole time while making the adjustment. But, as I sit here, I am beyond grateful for a job. In this day and age (at least around here) it's a great thing if you have a job! I am also grateful to God for all the help He has been giving me these past few months. 
 
Thinking about: what it would be like to move to our OWN place :) AH! It would be bliss. Well... I know it would be tough at times, but it would be OURS. 
 
Listening to: you guyssssss. I love me some JT. So, today I turned on my Justin Timberlake station on Pandora. So, technically, what I have been listening to is PANDORA. All day, every day. Gets me through my worrrrrk. I have also been listening to a good dose of "positive self-talk" in my head. Yeah, it's been good. 


Watching: uh, what DON'T I watch? Oh yeah, Duck Dynasty. I have been watching: Grey's Anatomy on Netflix, The Walking Dead, Revenge (LURRVEEEE!!), I tried watching Catfish on MTV the other day because Michelle always raves about it on her bloggy blog. Well, I turned it on, and I sat there, watching.. thinking.. "This seems an AWFUL lot like The Real World."... I tweeted Michelle and lo and behold.. MTV had LIED to me. It was indeed THE REAL WORLD in San Diego or something. So, next time, Catfish, next time. 
 

Feeling: I have been feeling pretty run down. Also? Sad. But also, also... I have been feeling like I want to go on vacation, or SOMETHING. I NEED THE SUN, PEOPLE. I need the beach, I need the relaxed lifestyle for a week. I NEED IT. 



How about you?? :)  


 

where you're supposed to be

                                                                                          Source: 25.media.tumblr.com via Joanna on Pinterest

where you are supposed to be...

this is pretty hard to accept sometimes. we always want MORE. More money, more food, more clothes, more HOUSE, more SOMETHING.

unless it's more school loan debt, or more problems.. then yeah, I really don't want more of that. 

but seriously. perspective. that's something I have really been trying to work on lately. it's definitely a daily battle of my mind. "i hate this weather." "i love this weather."  "i want a HOUSEEEEE." "i am okay waiting, God, if that's what you want." and so it goes...

it's funny how that works though. sometimes, okay, a LOT of the time, when we get what we want... time goes by and soon enough, we want more. sometimes i step back and think about the things I used to want. or sometimes I look around me and think about the things i am complaining about and realize.... these same 'problems' right now are things i wanted a year ago, or are the same things someone would kill for right now. BE CONTENT.

but, can I be honest here?

It's dang hard to be content.

it's hard because I start letting those things that shouldn't rule my heart, sit on the throne of my heart for far too long and have food delivered there and camp out there for monthssssssssss on end.

I really need to get that under control. It's funny. At the beginning of this year I chose a word to keep in mind for the year and focus on it:

SURRENDER.

maybe it's not funny, but it is to me. It's funny how those things I yearn to work on and get better at with God are those SAME THINGS that get harder. He always does that, doesn't He? My friend is currently working on leaping out in faith and doing things in faith. God just keeps throwing these curves, but she keeps trucking on....   It's hard, but it is so worth it.

I don't know what will happen this time next month. I don't know where we will be living. Currently, we have two offers on two houses in town. We have to wait for the bank to accept an offer.... which, on one of the houses, our offer has been in for close to 2 months. the bank got back to us last week and we sent back our "final offer" to them again. hoping, no, PRAYING, they would cave and accept our offer.  we will see... only time will tell. but seriously, I have to be honest... I am not believing that we are exactly where we are supposed to be right now...

the boxes strewn across the apartment are mirror images of my heart and mind as of late: utter shambles. Tiny boxes full of hope and yet, nowhere to put them out upon. No where to place these hopes upon.

it's funny to me how life plays out and how God likes to "come to my rescue" at the last second. It's seriously my life. I need to get used to it eventually. i need to start believing He will come through for us. and I need to understand that, chances are, it will be at the very last moment when we need him to make a clutch shot and win the game, that He will do so AND THEN SOME.

okay, God... we are ready for the clutch shot to be made :)

wide-eyed emoji.

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well, well, well... LIFE. *huge sigh*

Life is.. insane. Especially right now. I can't even begin to get into all of the intricacies that have been creating this uneasiness about life.. but, boy oh BOY, life can just calm the heck down anytime now, mmkay??

1. Our landlord passed away at the beginning of January. It was so very sad. He passed away very peacefully, but still.. so very sad. We would walk by his florida room and usually look in expecting to see him for WEEKS. Even this evening I walked by and looked in and.... alas, Mr. Will is no longer there, joanna.  So. VERY. SAD. So.. this leads us to.....

2. We need to find somewhere to live. Ideally, a HOME of our VERY OWN. That's right people. We are still looking for the house we will buy. We have put offers on houses, and they have all fallen through for some reason. Mind you, we have been doing this since November 2011. 2 0 1 1 P E O P L E. so.. with that sad, this is just getting old. way old. I know, I KNOW.. I need to have patience, I need to trust God. Well, guess what? I need to do a lot of things, and if you know me, I am stubborn as all get out and.. well, that just doesn't happen. Which is horrible because I once heard this, "patience isn't about waiting, it's about what do you while you are waiting" or something like that. I am not too good at doing things like: trusting, being calm, being rational, etc. when I am waiting... so that sucks. Okay, back to the point... We are working on trying to get a house currently. Praying and praying and hoping and pinning away on pinterest and trying our hardest to NOT get our hopes up... but there they are, staring us straight in our faces all day long. our stupid hopes. so.. there's that.

3. I started a new job on the 11th. It has been quite the adjustment. I am grateful for this opportunity and the chance to learn new things is always exciting to me. But, with many things going on in my family and personally, it has been a rough adjustment. I miss my old boss and co-workers. I somehow MISS PAYING BILLS as a job. (what?!) I just miss the relationships I built there and the truth is, I was pretty darn great at that job! It's hard to leave that for a job that I literally feel like I am just pretending to know what I am doing all day long. Trusting God is hard, especially when you are me... or A HUMAN. All of this to say, I have learned that I do not like change. I thought I did. I thought I was spontaneous and adventurous. And, to an extent, I am... I really am. But, I love consistency for the most part. I love when plans come together and I adore follow-through. I love it. So, this has been the biggest adjustment of them all! But, regardless of that.. I am seeing God's purpose for this season of change. I have had the blessing of being able to bless other people through prayer and in helping them. It has been great in that regard! So, hopefully one day I will learn the job better, and be confident!

4. Back to #2... our apartment consistently seems to be in disarray. From boxes I have been hoarding from my previous job and a friend who recently moved, to the fact that I have all these decorations and such, but, why even bother putting it up since we need to be out by.. oh, APRIL!!!  so.. that's hard.

5. WE FINALLY GOT NEW PHONES AND THAT IS A BIG FREAKING DEAL. iPhones, y'all. I am in love! (if this were the iPhone I would do the emoji with the hearts as eyes ;) ) 

I promise I am not complaining, I promise I am not! Merely letting it all out on my little place here in the internetz. Oh, and let's give a shout out to all the cute little ladies I know who have had babies! Seriously, I think 5 within a month had a baby, and a few more having babies in the next coming months. BABY FEVER, PEOPLE. it's real.

Oh, back to the point of this, but seriously... I would love to get paid to eat and sleep all day. Wouldn't you?? :)

good enough

on Mondays I help out with Fellowship of Christian Athletes in my hometown. When I was in high school, I was actively involved in this club. As I have gone through college, it has slowly dwindled down and there aren't as many godly influences in that school. So, I really felt compelled to become an adult leader for this group.

this past Monday I was to speak, but I felt God leading me a different direction than what I felt I should go the week before.

I spoke to the girls (mainly all girls go, which is sad, because.. WHERE ARE ALL THE GODLY GUYS!) about God's love and how MUCH He loves us. I highlighted several verses. Of these verses as Romans 5. I love this chapter.

The video above was posted by another adult leader this morning to go along with what I spoke about and it really shook my core. Just the encouragement I needed this morning...

I have had a rough month or so. Just feeling down about some things and transitioning into other things.. God has been good through it all. Something I need to keep reminding myself is HE IS SOVEREIGN. no matter what is going on HE IS SOVEREIGN. Somehow, someway, that makes it all seem better.. even for a moment.

I hope you find encouragement through this video.

I also hope to be able to post more of my thoughts in the future. I have just been really battling some things mentally and needing to process, and sometimes, blabbing that all over the internet isn't good for anyone. So, alas, I have been silent on this part of the internet I hold.

battling not feeling good enough or that you have made a mistake, no matter how big or small it is, is tough. But He is so so good and loves us NO MATTER WHAT. We are justified. We MUST accept that, or nothing in this life will last and matter to us because we won't think we are worth it, but God screams over and over YOU ARE WORTH IT. You are SO worth it to me.

I love that.

{so be it}

feeling stressed... stress brings a lot upon my body: body aches, muscle pains, migraines, feeling like vomiting at all moments... THE FUN STUFF.

here is some encouragement to give me when I feel I don't have any more to give:

Habakkuk 3:17-19 -- Though the fig tree should not blossom, nor fruit be on the vines, the produce of the olive fail and the fields yield no food, the flock be cut off from the fold and there be no herd in the stalls,  yet I will rejoice in the LORD; I will take joy in the God of my salvation. GOD, the Lord, is my strength; he makes my feet like the deer’s; he makes me tread on my high places.
 

James 1:2-4 -- Count it all joy, my brothers, when you meet trials of various kinds, for you know that the testing of your faith produces steadfastness. And let steadfastness have its full effect, that you may be perfect and complete, lacking in nothing.

Jeremiah 17:7,8 -- “Blessed is the man who trusts in the LORD, whose trust is the LORD. He is like a tree planted by water, that sends out its roots by the stream, and does not fear when heat comes, for its leaves remain green, and is not anxious in the year of drought, for it does not cease to bear fruit.”

 

Matthew 11:28-30 -- Come to me, all who labor and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you, and learn from me, for I am gentle and lowly in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy, and my burden is light.”

Psalms 103:1-5 -- Bless the LORD, O my soul, and all that is within me, bless his holy name! Bless the LORD, O my soul, and forget not all his benefits, who forgives all your iniquity, who heals all your diseases, who redeems your life from the pit, who crowns you with steadfast love and mercy, who satisfies you with good so that your youth is renewed like the eagle’s.

Psalms 55:22 -- Cast your burden on the LORD, and he will sustain you; he will never permit the righteous to be moved.

 

 

1 Peter 5:7   -- Cast all your anxiety on him because he cares for you.

 

 

and lastly, my favorite on this:

 

 

Philippians 4:6-7    Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.

friday's lettters: 1/25/13

dear friday, you have been good to me. thank you!!

dear phone, I HATE YOU I HATE YOU I HATE YOU I HATE YOU. I am so glad that you die every 5 minutes and don't really work. I cannot wait until my upgrade.

dear hair, I think you are growing on me. (speaking of which, I NEED TO SHARE!!)

dear houses that are for sale online one day and then not the next, you guys suck. getting my hopes up and everything and then BAM.

dear house-hunting, oi. headaches.

dear God, thank you for your many blessings you have been giving to us. I thank you for all the good things you are bringing our way.

dear new job, I AM SO EXCITED TO START YOU!! (oh man, I still have to share THAT too!)

dear current job, I won't miss you, per say.. I will miss the people, my boss. My boss is seriously the best boss. It will be hard leaving, but I am excited for a new adventure.

dear frozen apartment, i can't move my fingers very well to type this. WARM UP, DUDE.

dear husband, I am so proud of you for finishing your second class for your master's degree! You are awesome!!! I LOVE YOU :)

dear pinterest, you need to stop tempting me. I think we need a break.. some separation. it's not you, it's.. ah, who am I kidding, it IS you!

dear readers, thank you for all your sweet comments! Life has been quite a whirlwind and I hope to be able to comment back soon :)

dear weekend, be kind to us. last weekend was FULL of moving people and never resting... I hope we can get recharged this weekend.


have a good weekend :)

this is gonna be so stupid. OH WELL

okayyyyyyy

listen people. This isn't noteworthy.. or really worth a post, but here goes... I am at a hair-crossroads. I am literally getting sick of my hair. BUT, I don't want to chop it all off because.. heck.. it has taken a while to get to where it is. It seriously hasn't been this long for over 5 years. YIKES.

Perhaps I have just run out of hairstyles? Perhaps I am just getting sick of trying to blow dry it. Also- I have noticed my hair getting more oily. UH. WHAT THE HECK. it needs to stop that. oh, and it's winter which means, my hair decides to hate me. It's what it does in the winter.

I can't find a good dry shampoo I like.. plus, with dark hair, it gets hard to use it repeatedly. Okay, maybe I should suck it up and wash it.. whatever.

I recently died by hair a slight auburn and even THAT hasn't made a difference.. in fact, I am almost hating it more since my stupid water makes the color fade. UGHHH. (whine much?)

anyway. I don't really get all girly and such on here, but come on.. what's a girl to do?

It's like this: I could either 1)let it grow reaaalllyy long, and grow my bangs and totally try to rock the semi-middle part. 2) put some color in it, 3) go chop my bangs off in the bathroom right now, 4)go really short, 5) shave my head. so...

these are some styles I am liking right now. take it away pinterest board.....

1: the grow it out waayyy long and try to be cool with the middle part
 

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2: the cut the bang by yoselffff in the bathroom right this moment

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3:color anyone?

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4: different color anyone??

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5: zooey bangs and dark color

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6: orrrrrrr maybe I should just cut it all off:

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decisions, decisions.