Monday, May 14, 2012

reflecting on mother's day

Just know, this is a lot of rambling.. but I don't care.. it's for me.

I didn't grow up in your traditional "one mom, one dad" little family. I did have a mother (I mean, obviously.. I am here, alive, breathing, so I have a "mother") and I do have a "dad" somewhere out there. But, I use these terms very loosely. I have always felt these names should be earned. I know that a mom is a mom when she first conceives her child... but at the same time, I don't feel a mother deserves the right to be called a mom until she is a mother to her child in more ways that simply giving birth.... but, maybe I have some sort of a twisted mindset or something.

Mother's Day always goes by without me even thinking a second thought about it usually. For years I didn't care to acknowledge my mother for various reasons. I didn't think she deserved the title or the love and respect that it brings with it. I still sometimes feel this way. And yet, something in my heart yearns for her to know real love. For her to know Him with an unwavering love and know the He loves her back. So, I love her. I show her love in small ways, though it kills me sometimes. For so long I hated her... I hated her for the years of various abuses she put us through... for the neglect we felt.. for the hurt we felt in our hearts. But now.. I just feel for her. I see the years of these things taking it's toll on her. I see the hate and detest she has for herself and can't help but want to express how much He loves her.

The mother I know is my grandma. She is the closest thing to a real mother I will ever know... so on Mother's Day I celebrate her. And yet, I still don't do a good job at it... it's so hard for me to know how to relate to her as a "mother" in a way because I don't really see how a mother should be in my own life. I see my other family experience that, but until you experience it yourself, you won't know how to have that in your own life.. you won't know how to love someone as a mother. And yet, sometimes I see the way I talk with my grandma, etc. and I can see that I do view her as my mom because I talk to her snotty sometimes, and I feel regret for it and guilt for not treating her better just as a daughter does with her own mother sometimes....

I now have a new mother, my mother-in-law.. and even that is hard for me to understand. I don't know how to relate to her as a mother/daughter because the only experience I have of that is so different than what she is used to... I love her to death, and yet, it still has it's awkward moments as I don't know how to express myself in that way yet.. I don't know how to blend and fit in in that manner as all others do in the family..

so, I sit. I sit and ponder the meaning of a "mother" and the meaning of Mother's Day and how to relate and how I will be as a mother....

and... I am scared to death of that. Because I don't know how that relationship works per say, I fear I won't know how to be a mom in that way... and yet, I don't fear it. I see others screwing up their relationships with their daughters by leaving their families, or what have you... and I just know. I know how a mother is supposed to be, and how a daughter can be... and I know that is wrong how they are treating their families and daughters and children as a mother.. I know.

God is so great and insane in the way He just puts stuff inside of us.. these innate manners and thoughts and feelings. We just... know.

and, hey... they say knowing is half the battle :)


2 comments:

  1. what a sweet, sweet post! you have a beautiful writing style.

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    Replies
    1. Thank you so much for your sweet words :)

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