Friday, July 12, 2013


Okay, listen.
This week? It's been horrible. And I don't mean, ohhhhh woe is me horrible. I mean, I have literally wanted to up and quit work. I have grabbed my things to walk out the door and never come back. I have screamed in the phone at Aaron while I express how upset I am (and he quietly listens, knowing I need the support). I have cried more than I can count, and I had a mental breakdown last night because I couldn't get my running shoes off... I mean, COME ON.

So, alas, IT IS FRIDAY! and I cannot be more excited. How about you!?

This weekend we are leaving for VA Beach. We are going to visit Aaron's family there. We are SO so so excited. The thought of getting away seems amazing. And to a beach? FORGETABOUTIT! We didn't think we would get to see the beach this year, so we are so grateful for his aunt for taking us in and letting us relax with them :)

Also: God is great. Seriously, great. I won't even DELVE into what was yesterday, but it was just the cherry on a hell-filled week over here. So, I really really REALLY needed there to be no emails filling up my inbox when I got back this morning. And guess what?! There were only a few, and they were all manageable! So, now I can get back to the people who have been waiting to hear from me and set things up for me to leave tonight and know I did everything to prepare to be gone ( I am a control freak).

I am so happy.

Happy Friday :)

Wednesday, July 3, 2013



sometimes you sit around and it seems like the world is passing you by.
sometimes it seems like everyone is living their life and you are stuck on pause, or even rewind. Or, worse yet, STOP.
sometimes you want to scream at the top of your lungs, but you know that nobody would hear you or care.
sometimes you feel lost at sea, and you're on land, in an office.
sometimes you think that you are all alone, and most days, you feel it.


other times you try to muster the words to say how you feel, but you come up short.
you try to capture what your heart is feeling, and words don't do it justice.

sometimes everyone seems to not hear what you are saying when you talk, and it beats you down.
sometimes there is a dark cloud that seems to be looming over you, even when the sun is shinning down.
sometimes you feel like you made a big mistake, and you don't know how to change it or if you ever could. you wish you could go back in time and never take that leap and stay content, knowing you had it good then.

isn't it funny, the good ole days don't always seem like the good ole days until you are out of them and over the hill looking down on them.

life's just like that.

most times you walk around and nobody knows that darkness around you is there. nobody knows that what they are really seeing is a mask.

most times that mask you wear is good at hiding the sadness, the hurt, the betrayal you feel, the utter life in shambles. and, sometimes, you start thinking the mask is the real you.

and then there are those times that you can't help but let it all out. you can't help by cry at your desk because you feel as though you are completely unnoticed, underappreciated and lost.

you dream up moving far away and what all that would encompass.

you talk about how you are really feeling and then slowly realize that people don't want to hear that. people want to hear you are "fine" or "okay", worse yet "great!"... even when you aren't.

the truth scares people. the truth that you are struggling and hurting and feeling smothered by yourself is hard for others to take. so, you sit there, silently, screaming inside of your head for someone to notice. for someone to just listen and not expect anything back from you in return.

you long for that day where you won't feel that way anymore.

until then, you wait. you wait silently, and pretend this is just a phase, or a season of life.

what does that even mean? As far as I knew there were four seasons. it seems like I have gone through about 97 in my lifetime, and I am not yet 25. who knew 24 was so tough? not me. who knew you wouldn't feel adequate in so many levels? who knew all of those levels were even there?

not me.


Monday, July 1, 2013

food baby

WHEW! it seems like time is flying by.

It also seems like I have nothing interesting to say. Honestly? You don't want to know the things I have been thinking lately. It's been a rough few months... actually, it seems like it has been a rough year.

Transition is hard. It's hard at the beginning, middle AND end. It just is. No rhyme or reason. So, that sucks.

Here are some other things that have been going on. Not sure they are noteworthy, just want to be able to look back and see if things have changed, which I am hoping they do.

+ lately I have been learning the value of friendship, even friendship of one or two people. I am realizing that having MORE friends isn't worth it. I am also learning that when people have life changing things happen, they show their true colors and concerns. I am grateful for the two good friends I do have. Working on not dwelling on the ones who don't really care...

+ Still having a hard time that we don't have our own house. Our apartment is nice, and I have been working to make it and KEEP it cozy. This basically means I threw some stuff on the walls and actually clean it :)

+ Oh, speaking of which? I guess I have been doing better at cooking meals. So, that's nice.

+ Oh yeaaaah, I GOT INTO MY MASTERS PROGRAM! I am beyond excited!!! In fact, I just registered for my Fall semester this evening :) :) :) :) Woooo!! (remind me I was this excited when it gets really tough in about September/November....)

+ I look like I am pregnant, but, friends, I am not. It's just a food baby. But seriously, I'm not.

+ Aaron and I have been obsessively watching Dexter like it's our JOB. I never ever ever thought I would get into this show... but I do. The only downfall is I say EFF a lot more because Deb just cusses up a storm and that's her favorite word... It's bad how things rub off on me sometimes. :/

+ My friend, Lacey, told me about this "Peaks, Pits, Praises, Prayers" thing... I didn't know where she found it, so I googled it. It came up to a post on Pinterest. I bought a fresh journal last night and started my first day. I actually saw a few of my prayers semi answered today... it's just so nice being able to see it in writing and to be able to go back and see where God had provided.

+ Uh, I have tons of gray hair. I finally caved and dyed it myself last night. I actually love how it turned out. John Frieda for the win.

+ Aaron and I took our youth on a mission trip Thursday through Saturday night. Not too long because we had to use vacation days and don't have many, but it was still worth it. Our youth already have pretty rough lives, so for them to experience the rough lives of others, I think it hit them that they are not alone AND that they don't even have it as bad as others. We also go to treat them to good food and Cedar Point... they loved it! I think that honestly, that may one of the best experience our kids in youth have experienced.. and may ever. Which makes me sad, but I am glad we were able to be apart of that.

+ I have been pretty anxious about some things. Work, school and work balancing... everything. Sometimes I think I take on more than I should. It's all becoming way too much. :/ But, I am hoping that things start looking up soon. I am trying to work on focusing on God and on school coming up. It's just hard.

Well, that's it folks. Nothing too exciting... until next time!
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