happiness in sadness?

Today is just sad.

I am just so so sad. How can someone be pregnant with a baby and then it is lost in an instant?

How can someone go into a movie theatre on a shooting rampage?

How do people think it is okay to make people feel like junk?

and yet...

good things happen too. Things happen that remove those thoughts from our minds. But, I don't think it should be that way. 

I don't think we should dwell on the sadness in our lives, but I think it should be remembered. We should remember the things that we have gone through to allow us to find happiness and to truly be grateful.

Today, I am so very sad for a dear friend of mine and her hubby. The excitement of a new life forming in her and what their future holds have been crushed today. My heart is ripping open for them. I won't go into details more than this... but I cannot fathom that feeling. Personally. having a baby scares the life out of me... and yet, something in me knows I could do it. Knows I could handle it and KNOWS I would love it.

But, I am also realizing the reality that miscarriage brings. I am realizing that these things just happen... and it seems to be happening more and more these days.


WHY?

How do people who are so irresponsible (I could go on here.. but I won't) end up with 349389278948 kids, and a good sweet LOVING responsible married couple cannot carry a baby?

My heart is breaking for them. Please join me in prayer for them, would you?

too many thoughts but not enough to go on.

last saturday morning. lovely morning hair. had to share!

Thoughts today have included:

+ I must be grateful for the things in my life right now. If I can't be thankful for the little things, then how can I be thankful for the big things?

+ I am pretty glad I have the boss I have. He is letting me go home early today. How. Awesome.

+ I should probably buy some groceries. Oh well... it can wait until tomorrow.

+ HOLY COW. Tomorrow is Friday. WOO!!

+ Speaking of Friday, I will get to see my long lost friend tomorrow :) YAY!

+ It's pretty hot in my office right now. What happened to the lovely temps we were having?!

+ School counseling sounds amazing. Summers off? what!?

+ Should Aaron and I buy a house? Should we buy this house we ADORE!? Or, should we buy a house we can fix up!? OR should we just put all our money to our student loans and never have a house? :/

+ I need my hair trimmed and thinned out. Lookin' like a hot. mess. these days!

+ I am hungry. How did we not have ANY pasta in the house today!?

+ We need to exercise more, like, FOR REAL.

+ UGH. these stupid wisdom teeth. I wish they fell out like our baby teeth did. Though, that freaked me out when that happened!  Any one else?

+Social media and I are back and forth.

+ I have been wanting to change the name of this blog for a while. I think you all will hate the name, but... there are like tonssss of blogs called FROM THE INSIDE OUT.. which sucks.

+ I am far too addicted to mountain dew.. or candy.. and ice cream.. hence, the working out is NEEDED.

+ I AM READY FOR FALL

+ Watching HGTV today and being completely disgusted and people complaining about perfectly beautiful homes.

+ I am a horrible person and need to work on that.

Thus concludes the randoms of today! :)

friday's letters

Source: sunnysblog.typepad.com via Joanna on Pinterest

Good morning :) It's a little dreary out, but I am glad.. because... IT'S FRIDAY!! woo!!

and now, for some lovely letters on a Friday...

Dear life: you are getting ridiculous. How can something go wrong over and over and then it work out? Please, just let me know what's coming so I can be prepared. and yes, I know I am asking too much..

Dear work: I am working on being grateful for having you and for realizing what a blessing you are. Thank you that you provide me money and experience..

Dear school debt: you suck. but, listen, we are slowly but surely conquering you so... take that!

Dear summer: sooner or later you are going to be leaving. I know, I know. you are pretty sad about it... but come on. You were really hot and almost unbearable. I can't believe I am about to say this, but... I am glad it has been raining a little. Sorry...

DEAR FALL: I AM GLAD YOU WILL BE COMING SOON!!

Dear contentment: please come any time now :)

Dear house we wanted that is back on the market: quit playing games with our hearts. 

Dear bed: I am sorry I ever left you...

Dear husband: ah! I just can't express how awesome you are. Thanks for being you! i love you :)

Dear body: you can quit hurting any time now... 

Dear blog: you have 50 followers now! that is such a milestone and you should be proud of yourself. Who thought we would have ever had 1 follower? woo!!!

Dear weekend: prepare for me to try not to let you leave like you did on Monday. Let's make a pact to never let Monday get between us again.

Oh, by the way, work: you can go by really fast today, please and thank you :)

Dear self: whew! This week and taken it's toll at times. Just remember that you have one life to live and keep things in perspective. 

Dear YOU: Have a lovely weekend :)

Five Thanks on Thursday

Source: bitsotruth.blogspot.ca via Joanna on Pinterest

Happy THURSDAY! :) We have almost arrived, people!

Ok, so, a LOT of good things going on in my life and heart lately, besides all the blubbering I have been doing on this here part of the internetz. and... I am going to share it with you guys. That quote up above really hit me on the head and reminded me that I truly need to be more grateful for things and express them as well. so, here we go!

1) I am SO thankful for my sweet sweet husband. guys, he is made of GOLD. I cannot express to you the amount of times I have literally mental breakdowns and he is there, helping me during and after the mess of it all. He supports me in literally everything I do and want to do. For instance, I mentioned staying home and being a stay-at-home dog mom and he was all for it. See,  G O L D E N! Last weekend we watched 3 of our niece and nephews. They were a lot of work for me to handle in my mind because I am just not used to kids and kids sort of just overwhelm me sometimes... Aaron was amazing through the entire weekend, and even allowed me some time to just stay at home. Yeah, sure I cleaned, but still.... I LOVED IT. I could go on... but I will save that for another day :)

2) I am thankful for this job I have. Yes, it isn't my dream job by any means, but honestly, my boss is great and I get to work in a Christian environment. It's really awesome. And, it has taught me a lot about myself.

3) I am thankful for the Lord. I am thankful for the work He does in my heart. My heart sucks. I just am really bitter and hateful sometimes. I am pretty selfish and greedy (maybe those go hand in hand?), and I am sometimes very rude and very boastful in a certain setting. The Lord is truly accepting of me at this stage in my life... and He is working with me to help me get from this place to better things. I wish I thanked Him more...

4) I am thankful for friends. Sometimes I feel like I am not a good friend, so it is amazing that I even have friends (read #3 to see why!). I am just grateful for those friends who have stuck through life with me. Even if they are far and few between, they are my friends, my very best friends, and I love them all :)

5) I am thankful for our apartment. We seriously are living in a steal. It has character, lovely wood floors, and it v e r y cheap! I need to be more thankful for it, so here it is. Aaron and I have been house-hunting since probably November 2011, and.... nothing. Any time we are trying to put in an offer or something, someone else has put in an offer or something else happens... We feel as though God is just not ready for us to buy a house. We are trying to PATIENTLY and OBEDIENTLY accept that... but, it sucks sometimes. Instantly when the most recent house-fail happened I couldn't help but think, if God cannot trust us with the small things (keeping our little apartment cleaned and lovely and making it a home...) then WHY oh WHY would he trust us with the big things. So, here we are. We are so grateful we have a place to live. We are learning to appreciate our 'home' and all that it is.

So, there we are! What are YOU thankful for? :)

Being a Helpful Lady

heyyyyyyyyy!

So, today I am thinking a lot about the future. As well as thinking a lot about contentment and desiring God's Will for my life.

For as long as I can remember when someone asked me what I wanted to do when I got older I just knew one thing: I wanted to help people. I always love helping people in many different ways. Particularly I LOVE hearing about people's lives, their struggles, their passions and their dreams and achieving those dreams. I just LOVE IT! (okay, I get it.. I sound creepy.. oh well!)

I love going to other countries and serving the people there. I am a firm believer in showing people Christ and then telling them about Him. It is my firm belief that actions speak louder than words, and I like to live my life like that. So, my preferred way to evangelize (which basically means to tell people about Jesus Christ and God, etc.) is to show them Him by serving them, loving them, encouraging them, being there for them.  I have been to Mexico, the Bahamas, Grenada, Haiti and the Dominican Republic on mission trips. Each time we did serious work. Yes, we had some fun thrown in there, but work was the name of the game. I loved it. I love working so hard and still having to muster up enough energy to do "Cinderella dressed in yella" on the jump rope for 3 ours. I love not caring what we look like as we work. I love seeing these people light up when you do something for them and them asking "why" you did it. LOVE. IT.

I also am weirdly fascinated with discussing careers with people. Like, I love knowing what people want to achieve with their life, what job they truly want to do, etc. I also really like high school to college age people. Well, anyone is GREAT, but I am just more "interested" (not sure if that's the right term... hmm) in those ages. When I was in college and went to Univ. of Toledo I led a bible study for a bunch of gals involved in Campus Crusade for Christ. I absolutely loved it. My best friend from Toledo and I headed it up and really wanted to develop amazing relationships with these girls, and boy did we! I love it. It will always be one of my fondest moments of my life. Along with this, was discussing life with these girls. I loved learning about them and from them. When I transferred schools, it was a bit different, a little harder to make friends like that, but I definitely did. A topic of discussion with most any of my friends usually includes life and our futures. I even love helping strategize with them how to make their dreams happen, etc.

I really like the idea of working in a school one day. The scheduling of classes and encouraging kids to go to college... i love it all. (I am so weird.)  But, I also want to be able to make a difference in their learning experience. I think working in School Social Work would be great because I would be able to assist in breaking down the barriers for students to learn...

I think it would be great to work at a homeless shelter. In college, I did my practicum at a women's shelter. I liked it, but I also learned ways not to run something. It was a good experience all in all... I loved the experience because I really felt like it was something I could do (at the right center/shelter) and I would feel like I was a making a difference. Along with that, even working for a non-profit organization that maybe travels to disaster areas would be a great job. I think I would like to assist in helping them rebuild, or helping them in a way of counseling, just someone for them to talk to.

Another time when I was in college I went to a church my roommate went to. Her mom actually invited me. It was a sort of "recovery group" that the church offered. A place for them to connect with others going through their similar situations and to connect to Christ as well. My friend's mom asked me to speak at one of the meetings. I had a rough upbringing when I was younger filled with drugs and alcohol and abuse in my life, so it seemed like something I really wanted to express to them: how a child felt in the midst of all of that. I loved being able to speak to them and it helped me a lot as well. I loved being able to connect with them...


at the end of the day, I just want to make a difference. I want to come alive. I want others to come alive from talking with me or from me helping them. And most importantly, I want to show them Christ. 

In my current job, I don't feel like I have much of a chance to do that stuff. I am wildly blessed to have this job, but it just kills me to know that this passion is deep down inside me and all I really do is do things for people and pay bills, etc. Maybe that sounds like help, but it really doesn't feel like it sometimes. I crave the idea of going on in the community and assisting people.


I think I just wrote that all out as a way to say, "hey, if any of you know of a great career, or degree I could do that would allow me to do that stuff, let me know!", or to be able to just hash it out in writing. I have so many interests, but they all come down to one thing: I want to help people. I have a personality that requires me to feel like I am impacting someone's life or I feel as though I have no real worth, or meaning. And I fully believe that the Lord also gifted me with this, a heart and a love for people at an early age.

Seeking God's Will and being content are pretty hard, and I am truly trying to do it. But, trust me when I say.... I don't think I can do it without Him.

might as well have poop falling from the sky.

boy oh boy, when it rains it pours.

++ Why do I feel like all I do is consistently complain on here? Why do I feel like lately it seems like things are just not going my way.. or any way for that matter? Why do bad things happen to people I love? and why aren't families like they should be... supporters? Nurturers? Loving?

Don't get me wrong. Some people have been great. I have some great friends and some really great family members. I have an amazing husband (don't EVEEENNN get me started on his greateness), and I serve an amazing God.

But.... come on.

++ Sometimes I hate that I am like a mom. I care so so so much about people. Like, when you are in my life, I really really care for you. I pray for you. I think about you A WHOLE STINKING LOT.

Maybe I am creepy.. but I like to think I am just really caring. The Lord really gifted me with that. And compassion. If something is going on in your life... boy. I really feel for you. I almost feel so much that it feels like it's happening to me.

So, this is where it sucks...   A lot of times (who am I kidding, every time) when these things go on in others' lives, especially those closest to me, I just sit there, listening. Trying to help. Trying to muster the words of comfort. I try to help the best I can... but ultimately, I can't do much. I can be there for a shoulder to cry on, or someone to applaud when good things are happening.. but really, a lot of times (and more often than not lately) GOD is the only One who can really help.

I am grateful for that because more and more I am realizing how bad I suck at helping. haha

++ Lately, I just don't understand people. Some people I know are really sucky at loving others. And, I am trying... believe me I AM TRYING, to understand how they are the way they are. I try to understand and be understanding.. but really, there is no reason to not support someone.

There is no reason to put their dreams down, to almost wish ill on them.. especially when it's a loved one.

And, lately, it seems like this sort of thing keeps happening all around. Like, not just to my loved ones, but to other people I know... people I work with, my friends' friends. It's happening in my friends' families and ugh... I just don't get it.


++ I guess I need to realize more than ever that we live in a fallen world. This is not our permanent home. This is nowhere NEAR what that place will be like... and I am glad.

Sorry to be so vague and like, "what in the world is going on" but... honestly, it's not worth it. It's not worth dwelling on and letting it lives past this post. Sometimes I just need to get things out, and this is that place for it.

++ Mondays have really been M O N D A Y S around these parts.. how about for you? I hope your Mondays or any days you have been great!

FRIDAY'S LETTERS

i love me some hot chocolate :)

Dear Friday, we meet again. You are so lovely and I adore you. I hope you are good to me and fly on by! I need a nice, calm relaxing day!

Dear cold-I-think-I-am-getting, please go away. If I knew I had the whole weekend to lounge around I would maybe welcome you slightly as I wouldn't have much to do. But, as you see, the mister and I have lots to do this week, and I don't have time to be messing around with you. 

Dear hot chocolate, mmmmm! I will miss summer (sort of), but I will gladly welcome you with open arms when the school year starts around these parts and the coffee shop will be open so us staffers (and students :/) can get our fill!!

Dear niece and nephews, we are SO exciting to spend time with you this weekend! I hope you enjoy your time with us (and that we don't like, kill you or anything..). We love you!

Dear work, as I discussed with Friday, I hope you fly on by. We have some kiddos to get to and we don't need you dragging on... Thank you :)

Dear disappointments, I wish you didn't come so often these days. But, I am trying to learn to be grateful for you and to realize that without you, I wouldn't look at my life and be thankful for what I have nearly as much.

Dear God, thank you for being so so patient with me. 

Dear link-up, how is it 8:40am and already 103 people have entered you? Do people sleep?! You guys are quick!!!

=====================================================================

annndddd that's all for my letters. Short and sweet! I had hoped to put some things I was drooling over on pinterest and some pictures from this week, but.... this dang cold or whatever is holding me hostage. 

Now, go on over and do your own letters at Ashley's link-up by clicking below!!

Happy Friday :)

disappointments are the PITS

It really stinks when you want something so bad and then it doesn't happen. 

It really stinks when you get disappointed that it DOESN'T happen. 

I guess God has other plans for us that we do, and that's ok, but sometimes.. I am not ok with it. Sometimes I want to whine like a baby and throw a tantrum and be ticked off for, oh, A YEAR. 

But other times, I need to realize that this life ISN'T about me. It isn't about you, it isn't about stuff or degrees or jobs or anything like that. It's about Him. It's about pleasing Him, showing others His love through our lives and about knowing Him personally.

So, I guess it is ok when things don't work out. It just gives us more time to work on seeking His presence over his presents and to really relish our moments with Him. 

I hope that through life's disappointments I will realize that He is the One I should've been seeking all along..... all the extra stuff is just a perk, or sometimes, a distraction. 

hopefully I will be back later today with something a little more uplifting and fun ;)

 

on almost pooping my pants...

.. from being completely nervous.

YOU SICKOS.


Aaron and I are really being challenged lately. Challenged on stepping out in faith in so many areas of our lives. If I am honest, then... this scares the poop out of me.

I mean, I was literally talking to my boss yesterday and I was discussing one area we are stepping out in faith and I said to him, "I am going to poop my pants from being so scared."

Why would I ever say that?  out loud? to my BOSS?

Anyyyywayyysss....

It's kind of scary stepping out in faith. Trusting something other than ourselves. but, honestly.. I kind of suck at a lot of things. I follow through, mostly.. but I just suck at really stepping up some times.  Enter GOD.

I am very glad that God equips the chosen because.... I kind of freak out a lot. Like, if I am really honest, I haven't started my masters because I am scared. I haven't stepped out in my faith in any real tangible way because I am so scared to mess up. I am scared to not do things in the order they should happen. I am scared to not do everything perfect.

I cannot tell you where exactly this need to do it all "right" came from other than... I am human. I want to be perfect, have perfect things, have the easy way out all the time....

However, here we are. Stepping out in our faith. Expecting God to work.

Oh, also, in expecting God to work doesn't always mean expecting Him to 'come through for you'.... it also means that He could do something completely unexpected.

I hope I can be ready for it either way.

Have a wonderful rest of our Tuesday! I think Aaron and I will be heading to a fair... and, I am unexpectedly REALLY excited for it.

FRIDAY'S LETTERS

just at work.

oh heck yes it is Friday! I am beyond glad this day has come. Though, we have a busy weekend ahead, I am grateful for the weekend!

 on to the letters

Dear Friday: we are best friends, and I am glad!

Dear work: please go by very fast :) Thank you!

Dear hair: thank you for growing... woo!!

Dear mascara: I don't really think Zooey Deschanel uses you because... my lashes don't really look like hers

Dear Aaron: seriously?! How do you put up with my crazy?! You are a good man. GOOD. MAN.

Dear NBC: I am very bitter with your bipolar Olympic events airing at bogus times. I NEED MY SLEEP!

Dear weather: you are lovely today :) 

Dear wishful thinking: stop making me day dream!

Dear garden: seriously. you are awesome!!

anndd.. that's all :) 

Have a wonderful weekend everyone! What are you doing this weekend??

 

i think i am a zombie

 

Source: behance.net via Megan on Pinterest

oh, I stole this from someone else's pinterest. sue me. 
 

Sometimes I meander through life all willy nilly and I don't really remember much about my days.
Actually, I feel like that always happens, at least in this last year or so of my life. I am convinced I am a zombie.

Further evidence of this is how I am in the mornings. I just mumble and moan as I walk around the house. I wake up all slow-like, shuffle around the house, have atrocious breathe, etc.

I AM A ZOMBIE.
It's good Aaron likes me so much...


moving on

So, the Olympics? How about them?!
I haven't been watching them like, at all. Ok, I lie. I watched some indoor men's volleyball yesterday during my lunch. Then, I got home and it was sand volleyball.

I think the USA men's teams only played volleyball yesterday... So, I watched Pretty Little Liars on Netflix instead.

If I don't really watch the Olympics, does this make me less of an American? I sure hope not. But, in case it does, I will try to watch more, you guys.

Those of you who have been watching, is swimming and/or gymnastics only showing on NBC like after 9pm? Because, people, let's face it. I am not staying up that late. I go to bed real early-like because... I am an old lady.

I am an old lady zombie. Quite the combo ;) Poor Aaron!

Oh, also? I suck at committing to things. I got these books from the library a few weeks ago and I was so excited to read them. And now? Nah... I would rather sleep.. or play with my dog.

Yeah, that sounds infinitely better.

I NEED TO READ MORE!

Oh, and also also.... every time I hit 'enter' on my keyboard, it keeps putting this post in italics. Is this something I can fix?

See? AHDKFHJSDHGJSDFHGJB. 

I  don't know how to fix this. ARRRRRRGGGGGG.

Ok, well.. enough rambling for today. I have some work to do, and by work, I mean, I have to type up some stuff I have been holding on to for.. oh, THREE months, and haven't typed up yet. WHOOPS!

But, if everyone else can just skip around not doing their work around here, and I use 'everyone' loosely, really it's just like 5-7 people!, but still. I think I should be able to. I AM BUSY!

Stupid italics happened again because I just hit 'enter".

buhhhhhh. see?? ok, have a good day!